From Conflict to Connection, Part 1
In the Heat of the Moment:
5 Steps for Helping Kids Resolve Conflict
by Roxy Krawczyk, M.A.Ed.
Welcome to Part 1 of From Conflict to Connection, a three-part series for parents and caregivers on helping children build the skills they need to navigate conflict. Here, we offer a simple step-by-step guide to mediating conflict between children: your go-to plan for the heated moment. In Parts 2 and 3, we’ll explore how to identify and meet the underlying needs that drive children’s behavior and how to nurture emotional ownership and self-regulation, the long-term work that helps children build healthy, happy relationships.
“Moooooom!”
“Daaaaaaad!”
“He took my markers!”
“Nuh-uh! She wasn’t even using them!”
“Yuh-huh! And he called me a baby!”
“Because she wouldn’t share!”
Teachers and parents alike have all been there — called in to mediate children’s quarrels only to find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a tangle of competing stories.
Whether it’s siblings at home or friends on a playdate, you may sometimes feel like you’re working a second job as a referee.
So, what do you do when kids aren’t getting along?
First, rest assured that not every disagreement requires your assistance. There can be benefits to letting children navigate minor conflicts among themselves. Depending on their ages, social-emotional development, and relationship dynamic, some squabbles can be resolved independently.
When feelings or bodies have really been hurt, however, it’s time for a grown-up to help. And though it can sometimes feel inconvenient in the moment, investing time in teaching children how to communicate effectively pays off in spades in the long run.
When it’s time to put on your referee hat, here are some simple steps you can follow.
. . .
1. Establish the facts as best you can
Wait until both children have calmed down, offering space and techniques to self-regulate if needed. If emotions are running very high, it can sometimes help to move one or both children out of any ongoing play or work to a calm, neutral location.
When they’re ready, bring both children together and invite each to share their side of the story. If the child who is listening feels compelled to interject, remind them that they will have a chance to share their point of view soon.
As best you can, try to figure out the general order of events and perspectives of each child. This will help you to better understand what motivated their behavior. (More on this in Part 2!)
2. Help each child communicate their feelings
Once everyone can agree on the basics of what happened, facilitate each child sharing their feelings. If a child is struggling to identify or verbalize their emotions, you can use an age-appropriate feelings wheel to guide them.
Demonstrate active listening by repeating back what each child has said to confirm that you understand them correctly. Help gently reframe statements into “I” language when needed.*
- E.g., if a child says, “You made me angry,” you can repeat back, “When he took your markers, you felt angry.”
After everyone has shared their feelings, invite each child to practice empathy by imagining themselves in the other person’s situation.
- E.g., “If someone took your markers, how would you feel?”
It’s okay if a child responds with “I wouldn’t care!” They may be feeling defensive, or perhaps they really wouldn’t care. This is a good opportunity to explain that sometimes what doesn’t bother one person really bothers another, and it’s important to respect and try to understand other people’s feelings even when you don’t share them.
*Remember that although other people’s actions can trigger feelings inside us, those feelings still belong to us, and only we can choose how we respond to them. We’ll dive further into the practice of emotional ownership in Part 3, but for now, you can use your role as mediator to reinforce this concept through language modeling.
3. Imagine together how things could go differently next time
Once each child feels heard and understood, begin a collaborative discussion about what they could do if this happened again in the future. If they need help getting started, invite each child to describe what they wish the other person had done in this particular situation. Repeat their statements back to them, rephrasing for clarity as needed.
- E.g., “You wish he had asked you for the markers instead of just taking them,” or “You wish he had told you he felt mad when you didn’t share instead of calling you a name.”
You can also talk about what each child could do to resolve the feelings in their body, regardless of how the other person might respond to their request (another process we’ll dive further into later in this series). Using a simple visual aid can help children identify and begin to practice these self-regulation skills.
4. Affirm what the children have just accomplished
Reflect back to the children what important work they have done by having this conversation. You can express your genuine feelings and invite them to reflect on and express their own.
- E.g., “You have done a great job telling each other how you feel and what you want to happen differently next time. I’m happy for you! How are you feeling now?”
If a child is still feeling upset — that’s okay. Their emotions are valid, and they may take a little time to resolve. Reaffirm that however they are feeling right now is okay, and the work they have done matters.
5. Offer choice whenever possible
Children often don’t have much control over their daily lives. They are typically told where to go, what to do, how to do it, and when. A child’s response to someone’s words or actions may be just as much about reclaiming some control as it is about the other person’s behavior.
Whenever possible, build choice into a child’s day. Offering children choices helps them feel empowered and capable, which supports their overall development and can also help minimize unnecessary squabbles. In the moment, simply offering one or both children a choice in the situation at hand can sometimes de-escalate the conflict.
- E.g., “Do you want to use the markers together or take turns?” or “Do you want to color with crayons or colored pencils until the markers are available or do something else while you wait?”
. . .
Remember that self-regulation and effective communication are skills that develop over time. Most children need regular, repeated guidance in their early stages of learning. But the more children practice and internalize these skills, the more they naturally begin to do this work on their own.
Not only does this mean they’re building essential life skills that will enable them to maintain balanced, healthy relationships with others, but it also means you’ll have to put on your referee hat less often!
Stay tuned for Part 2 of From Conflict to Connection, where we’ll look behind the behavior to explore the underlying needs that motivate children’s actions and how understanding those needs can help them thrive.
Further Resources & Recommended Reading:
- Center for Nonviolent Communication — The Purpose of Nonviolent Communication. An essential breakdown of self-connection, honest expression, and empathic presence based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg.
- Glasser Institute for Choice Theory — Quickstart Guide to Choice Theory. A foundational overview explaining the five basic human needs, internal control psychology, and how to build connecting relationship habits.
- Jackson, L. / Connected Families (2024) — 50 Self-Regulation Activities To Empower Your Child To Calm. A highly practical, sensory-based guide packed with actionable movement, touch, and breathing exercises to help children manage big emotions.
- Rouse, M. & Martinez, A. / Child Mind Institute (2026) — How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? A clinical yet accessible deep dive into building behavioral frameworks ("scaffolding") to teach children emotional control and self-reflection.
About the Author
Roxy Krawczyk is an educator, consultant, and writer. She holds an M.A. in Education as well as Montessori teaching certifications in early childhood and adolescence. Roxy loves helping parents learn new tools for the ever-changing job of raising small humans!
