Developing Self-Control in Young Children
by Roxy Krawczyk, M.A. Ed.
Ask a parent how much self-control their three year old has, and they may just laugh heartily in response. From grabbing a candy bar at the checkout line to hitting a sibling in frustration, young children are notorious for lacking self-control. But developing good self-control is important for a child’s health, safety, relationships, and future success. Studies show that preschool children with better self-control have more friends, become more confident and independent, and are better at handling stress and frustration. They are also more likely to perform well academically in adolescence and less likely to experience anxiety, depression, and aggressive behaviors as they get older.
Why is self-control so essential? Because it is a skill set that underlies much of our human experience. Self-control enables us to decide which of our impulses to act on and which to ignore. It allows us to express and cope with strong emotions in appropriate ways. It empowers us to think ahead and plan, as well as to focus on the activity at hand. Essentially, self-control gives us the ability to regulate our thoughts, feelings, and actions — no small feat, especially for a young developing brain.
So when do children develop self-control, and how can we help them with it?
The development of self-control begins at birth with self-soothing techniques like thumb sucking. However, most children don’t start to show significant gains in their emotional and behavioral control until somewhere between the ages of 3 and 7. This is a great time to start working on those skills at home!
Begin by taking stock of your child’s current self-control. Ask yourself, how well can they:
- wait for a turn?
- follow directions?
- focus on one activity for a long period of time?
- calm down when angry?
Remember that every child is different, and there is no right answer. Don’t worry if your child seems to be at the beginning of this phase of development. There are lots of easy, fun ways to encourage self-control skills at home. Here are a few of our favorites:
- Games
Studies have shown that games are the most effective method of increasing self-control in young children. Familiar games like “Red Light, Green Light,” “Simon Says,” “London Bridge,” and “Freeze Tag” help develop children’s impulse control by asking them to attend to and follow directions. - Music
Waiting to participate at the right time helps children develop impulse control. To practice this, try singing songs where your child takes a turn or performs certain actions at different moments in the song. Songs like “Hokey Pokey,” “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,” “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” and “BINGO” are great examples. - Pretend Play
Enjoy a little guided play with your child! In cooperative pretend play, children get to practice taking turns, following rules, setting limits, and sharing responsibility. They work on developing impulse and emotional control, and they also get to try on other people’s roles, which helps to develop social awareness and empathy. Short on time? Don’t worry. If you are fully present, your play sessions can be as short as 10-15 minutes and still make an impact. - Teaching Emotions
When children can understand and label their own feelings, they can start to better regulate them. Help children learn words to describe their emotions (mad, happy, sad, proud, scared, lonely, etc.) by talking about and labeling their feelings. For young children, it can help to read books about feelings. As children get older, take on the role of “emotion coach.” Talk with them about their feelings, give empathy, and discuss helpful ways to deal with the situation at hand. - Routines
Establish simple daily routines at home. Knowing what comes next in a sequence (meal time, play time, nap time, etc.) enables children to begin thinking ahead. Maintaining consistent routines fosters predictability and helps reinforce your child’s developing focus and planning skills. (It also helps increase their independence!)
Parents and caregivers play a critical role in the development of young children’s self-control. Fortunately, there are lots of natural opportunities in your child’s day to practice! With consistency and gentle guidance, you can help your child build strong self-control that will benefit them for a lifetime.
References
Berk, L.E., Mann, T. D., & Ogan, A. T. (2006). Make-believe play: Wellspring for the development of self-regulation. In D.G. Singer, R. Colinkoff, & K. Hirsh-Kasek (Eds. ), Play=learning: How Play Motivates and Enhances Children’s Cognitive and Social-emotional Growth (pp. 74 -100). New York: Oxford University Press.
Dewar, G. (2003) Teaching self-control: Evidence-based tips. Parenting Science, 18 Nov. 2023. parentingscience.com/teaching-self-control/
Eisenberg, N., Fabes, R. A., Losoya, S. (1997). Emotional responding: Regulation, social correlates, and socialization. In P. Salovey and D. Sluyter (Eds.), Emotional Development and emotional intelligence: Educational implications (pp. 129-16. New York: Basic Books.
About the Author
Roxy Krawczyk is an educator, consultant, and freelance writer. She has an M.A. in Education as well as Montessori teaching certifications in early childhood (AMS) and adolescence (AMI). Roxy loves helping parents learn new tools for the ever-changing job of raising small humans!
Learn what behavioral changes are normal when your child is transitioning (back) to school, and grab some tips for how to approach this period of adjustment.
Is your child a picky eater? Learn what leads to picky eating and how to interest your child in a wider variety of foods.
Cultivating Community for Our Children by Roxy Krawczyk, M.A. Ed. Community can be very simply defined as a group of people who live in the same place or who share certain characteristics. But meaningful community — the kind that helps us to live healthier, happier lives — is about much more than just a collection of people. It’s about the connections between them. It’s true that communities develop around shared commonalities like location, values, and goals. What makes them come alive, however, are the relationships that arise from those common threads. These connections are what allow us to shift from surviving to thriving. Participating in community offers human beings a wide array of physical, psychological, and emotional benefits. Living in community gives us the unique advantage of coregulation, a process that balances our nervous systems through the people around us. This reduces our overall stress and leads to improved physical and mental health. Not surprisingly, there is a significant correlation between companionship and happiness! Community also provides us with important physical and emotional support. When difficulties arise, we have people who can offer us help and comfort. This interdependent network creates a feeling of security and increases our resilience. Just as importantly, our involvement in community helps us to develop a sense of personal identity. It provides us with the important feeling of belonging to something larger than ourselves. It fosters the development of our core values, which help to define us as individuals. And it provides opportunities to discover our unique strengths and passions as we share with and learn from others. Our interactions with our community help us learn about ourselves and make conscious decisions about who we want to be. There’s no doubt about it: community is critical to our development and success. And what is one of the very first communities that we belong to? Our school! School communities play a critical role in our early learning: social, emotional, and academic. This is because being and feeling safe is a fundamental human need. Until we feel safe, we cannot focus on much else! From a neurological standpoint, a sense of security allows our brain to better process and retain new information. From a psychological one, feeling safe encourages us to ask questions, take risks, and self-advocate. All of these factors lead to deeper learning. But the benefits don’t stop there. Studies have shown that students in schools with strong community are not just more likely to be academically motivated; they’re also more likely to develop social-emotional competencies, to act ethically and altruistically, and to avoid problematic behaviors like drug use or violence down the road (Schaps, 2003). Being part of a strong, healthy school community enables students to thrive in all aspects of their development. So how do we cultivate a strong school community? First, we establish and emphasize our common values. At A.L.M.A., our core values are compassion, respect, and equity. These values are the foundation on which we build our relationships, and they guide us toward mutual growth and success. Next, we maintain healthy, supportive relationships among students, teachers, and parents/caregivers. We do this by engaging in open, honest, and empathetic communication. We approach issues with a problem-solving mindset. We remember that we are all on the same team working toward shared goals, and we embrace our own vulnerability in the process. Finally, we create opportunities for connection and joy. We come together for social events, for volunteer work, for celebrations. We share. We laugh. We collaborate. We eat! We work to promote helpfulness and inclusiveness while getting to know each other on a deeper level. The more we connect, the stronger our community becomes. A strong school community benefits all of us, but especially our children. They reap the physical benefits of more consistent regulation and reduced stress. They learn more effectively. They develop social-emotional skills and core values that will anchor them throughout their lives. They get key insight into themselves and the beautiful diversity of others. They thrive. References Dixon, E. (2021) The importance of cultivating community . Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-flourishing-family/202108/the-importance-cultivating-community Jefferies, T. (2023) Why community is so important—and how to find yours . Reader’s Digest. https://www.rd.com/article/what-is-community/ Schaps, E. (2003) Creating a school community . ASCD. https://www.ascd.org/el/articles/creating-a-school-community Stein, S. (2023) The Importance of Community . Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/202307/the-importance-of-community About the Author Roxy Krawczyk is a Montessori teacher, education consultant, and freelance writer. She holds Montessori certifications in both early childhood (AMS) and adolescent education (AMI), as well as an M.A. in Education and a B.A. in English. Roxy has ten years of experience teaching in the classroom, and she has spent the last five years consulting for early childhood programs. She loves using her passions for education, research, and writing to help parents gain new insight into the ever-changing job of raising small humans!
The Importance of Interdependence by Roxy Krawczyk, M.A. Ed. When it comes to raising young children, we talk a lot about developing independence . And rightly so — the period from birth to age six is an especially critical time for developing physical, mental, and emotional self-reliance. These are the years when children learn to move independently, to care for their own bodily needs, to express and resolve big feelings. But what about interdependence? Though it may not be talked about as much, this social dynamic is critical to developing sustainable health and happiness. So what is interdependence, and why does it matter? Interdependence is a state of being interconnected with others. Living in a state of interdependence means that our individual well-being is influenced by or dependent on the well-being of the people around us. This is in contrast to a state of independence in which we are entirely self-reliant, and our well-being is not influenced by the people around us. Independence is not a bad thing. Generally speaking, our goal is for our children to grow into self-supporting adults. We want our kids to be able to function independently. But we also don’t want them to stop there. We want our children to recognize the importance of interdependence. We want them to build mutual, reciprocal relationships with the people in their lives. Why? Because living and working cooperatively makes us healthier, happier, and more successful. Hundreds of studies have demonstrated that positive interdependence (i.e. cooperation) tends to result in higher achievement and productivity, more positive interpersonal relationships, and greater psychological health (Johnson, 2001). And not only are these benefits important for each individual, they also contribute to the overall health, wellness, and success of our collective. So how do we teach our children the importance of interdependence? And how do we help them build the skills they need to develop healthy, cooperative relationships? We talk about it, we practice it together, and we model it in our own lives. Highlighting moments of interdependence that already exist in your child’s everyday life is an easy place to start. You can chat about things like group projects at school, team sports, or cooperative work at home like chores and meal prep. Help your child to process these experiences by asking them questions: How do they feel about working with other people? What do they enjoy about a particular group activity? Is anything challenging? Follow your child’s cues, validate their feelings, and help them to empathetically problem-solve any issues that may arise. Speaking of chores and meal prep, involving your child in cooperative household activities has a wide range of benefits. It develops practical life skills and self-confidence, both of which are key to future independent success. And just as importantly, it also offers regular opportunities for your child to contribute to the family’s goals through meaningful interdependent work. Encourage your child to ask for help when you notice that they need more support with a task or project. Brainstorm with them about who might be a good resource. You can even help them make the request if needed. Remember to talk about your child’s strengths and talents, too! Highlight moments when they are able to offer support to a friend or family member. Reflect with them on how it feels to be able to help someone else. Use moments when you need assistance with something to verbalize your thinking out loud. This can be as simple as, “Gee, I’m really having a hard time with ____ . I think I’ll ask ____ for some help.” Demonstrate the ways in which you work cooperatively with other people in your own personal and professional life. Modeling is a very powerful tool. Acting with mutual support in our adult relationships — especially the ones our kids see every day, such as those between parents, caregivers, and educators — will naturally lead our children to build similar relationships in their own lives. While developing independence is undoubtedly important for young children, it is never too early to also begin fostering interdependence. Children as young as 1 year old can learn to ask for help, participate in cooperative activities, and absorb relationship modeling. Helping our children to build the skills for both independence and interdependence will help set them up for long-term health, happiness, and success. References Conley, Courtney. “Growing beyond Independence: The Benefits of Interdependence.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-daughter-doesn-t-have-be-miserable/ 202202/growing-beyond-independence-the-benefits. Accessed 16 Oct. 2023. Johnson, D. W., and R. T. Johnson. “Cooperation and Competition, Psychology Of.” International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences, 2 Nov. 2002, www.sciencedirect.com/ science/article/abs/pii/B0080430767017988?via%3Dihub. Spendelow, Jason. “Interdependence: The Meaning and the Advantages.” The Practical Psychologist, The Practical Psychologist, 29 Aug. 2023, thepracticalpsych.com/blog/interdependent-meaning. About the Author Roxy Krawczyk is a Montessori teacher, educational consultant, and freelance writer. She holds Montessori certifications in both early childhood (AMS) and adolescent (AMI) education, as well as a Master of Arts in Education from St. Catherine’s University. Roxy has ten years of experience teaching in the classroom and has spent the last five years working as an educational consultant for early childhood programs. Prior to her work in education, Roxy earned a B.A. in English from Vassar College and was an editorial assistant in non-fiction book publishing. She loves using her passions for education, research, and writing to help parents gain new insight and tools for the ever-changing job of raising small humans .
